After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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