i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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