we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize