dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
