hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
