I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
