um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
be right there i have to get my cape
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
