dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
