good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
