i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
