Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
