I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
