I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
worst night to have a conscience
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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