Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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