Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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