just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
