Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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