it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
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last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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