can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
