Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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