I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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