I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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