I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
