put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
