Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just want nice things and good sex
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
