I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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