Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
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also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
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He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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