Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
