and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
