u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
