The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
