I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
