my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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