I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
