He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
