im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
