is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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