My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
