my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
