i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I got inside last night via doggy door
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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