i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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