I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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