Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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