Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i think i have two assholes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
