Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
