Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
