He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
