We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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