Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
