have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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