plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
