what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
