my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
