I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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